Wednesday, September 7, 2011

Bold Predictions: Ugly Uniforms, Peyton Manning and Baby Seals

Before we get to the bold predictions, let’s start with an open letter to the NCAA.

Dear NCAA,

I know how much you love rules. You don’t care if the rules are too burdensome or even contradictory. Most college football fans hate your fascination with rules but I speak on behalf of fans everywhere in asking you to add just one more command to your already enormous rulebook. You know all the legalese so feel free to add words like hitherto, therefore and asunder to make things sound legit. But here’s the basic skeletal structure I’m looking for.

Teams are no longer allowed to switch up their uniforms every week. Simple home and away jerseys will suffice. Also, it would be great if those uniforms matched.

Oh, and could you please place the Oregon Ducks on probation for 5 or 6 years since they seem to be the ones that got this whole thing started?


Concerned Fan

If there’s one lesson we learned this past weekend it is that the uniforms in college football are out of control. What’s going on here?

Under Armour Rep: Hey, you should think about some new uniforms for your home opener.

Maryland Athletic Director: Sure, we’ll take every advantage we can get. What do they look like?

Under Armour Rep: Well, it’s hard to explain but try to picture a cross between something someone would wear at the Renaissance Festival and a taxicab.

Maryland Athletic Director: Where do I sign?

The bad news is that Maryland won so we may have to see these uniforms again. But know this Terps, the 1970s Atlanta Braves and 1980s Milwaukee Bucks said to tell you thanks for taking over their place as the ugliest sports team of all time.

Things didn’t work out so well for the Georgia Bulldogs and their new uniforms.

Nike Rep: Hey, you should think about some new uniforms for your season opener.

UGA Athletic Director: I don’t know. We usually get beat when we start messing around with our uniforms too much.

Nike Rep: I understand where you’re coming from. But these are all red and look like something a little league team would wear.

UGA Athletic Director: Hmmmmm. If you can make it where the helmets fall off too easy you’ve got yourself a deal.

Don’t expect to see these uniforms again, unless you happen to be a fan of a semi-pro team in Albania.

Enough with what we learned last weekend. Here’s what you can expect from the week that awaits us in college football.

The Lions will still be the Lions.

A week or two before the NFL season starts, fans and analysts alike say this to themselves, “If I pick the Lions to be good this year, and by some cataclysmic event[1] they happen to win their division or earn a wild card spot, I’ll look like a genius.” And all it takes is about three or four of the right people pushing the Lions down our throats for us to start buying stock in the Lions. But in the words of Chuck D., don’t believe the hype. The Lions will always be the Lions. My guess is that the wheels will start to fall off of the Lions Are Going to the Super Bowl Wagon around the 10:23 mark of the second quarter of this weekend’s opener.

This week’s score: Tampa Bay 11, Detroit 5[2]

Michael Irvin’s head will explode.

If you don’t get the NFL Network, you should get it for no other reason than Mr. Michael Irvin. For the record, I hate the Miami Hurricanes and the Dallas Cowboys but I love Michael Irvin. There is no other analyst in the NFL more passionate about the game than Michael Irvin. I’m not sure how I feel about life coaches but if I ever need one, Michael Irvin will be getting a tweet from me. Verizon, why is there still not an app that allows me to hear a motivational speech from Michael Irvin every morning before I get out of bed? Make this right!

Parents will have some explaining to do.

For the first time in 227 games, Peyton Manning will not be playing for the Indianapolis Colts. This is a tragedy for the 3.7 million parents in our country who name their kids after Peyton Manning each year. During that 227 game streak, father and son conversations went a little something like this.

“Son, you see that quarterback there, the one that just threw for 300 yards and 4 touchdowns? That’s who we named you after. No go do something successful.

“You bet, dad. Oh, and I love you.”

This year, the conversation will look a little more like this.

“Dead-ee[3], why'd you name me Peyton?”

“Well son, we named you after that guy they keep showing on the sidelines. The one that’s not wearing a uniform but is still yelling at everyone.”

Child walks away dejected and considers devoting his life to video slot machines.

But parents, don’t worry too much. At least you didn’t name your kid O.J. Here’s to hoping that Jeff Saturday doesn’t own a white Bronco.

Lou Holtz will say something weird.

Just trust me on this one.

The English language will be brutalized.

Here are some common examples of the marriage between football and improper speech. You can expect to see and hear things like these a lot more for the next 20 0r so weeks.

“We” – Dudes that are either way too big or way to skinny like to use this one when referring to their team. “We can’t block!” or “We win!” are two of the most common. If these same dudes manage their money well, they eventually get to be the owner of the Washington Redskins where they can legitimately use the we phrase.

“If” – This is another fan favorite. It’s always used by fans of losing teams that have yet to realize that they are in fact fans of a losing team. My personal favorite is, “Well, if we played them 10 times we’d beat them at least 6.” Georgia Tech fans are typically prone to use if in referring to their team’s mishaps.

“We’ve just gotta go out and take it one game at a time.” – Athletes are taught to use this phrase sometime before they enter college. I have no idea what it looks like for a team to take it two games at a time.

“It is what it is.” – This is a favorite among athletes, especially after they’ve a.) intercepted a ball but scored in the wrong end zone, or b.) killed someone. The it is what it is phrase makes all transgressions go away. “Oh, so you’re saying that it is what it is. Thanks for the clarification.”

“Misquoted” – This happens after an athlete says something dumb and a member of the media happens to be close enough to report on it. The athlete in question is able to smooth things over by saying that he was misquoted. Twitter really makes being misquoted interesting. “So let me get this straight. When you tweeted, ‘the Holocaust never happened & I’ll be leading a riot @ the mall sometime around 2pm’ you misquoted yourself?” “Exactly.”

The Dawgs win big.

I’m not referring to the game against South Carolina on Saturday night. Victory there for the Dawgs is becoming more and more uncertain. South Carolina coach Steve Spurrier has a demented talent for inflicting serious damage upon the University of Georgia and a win this weekend would do just that.

The win I’m referring to is the lack of police activity around Athens lately. Usually, the summer and early fall sees a high rate of arrests among Georgia players but not this year (so far). The Dawgs need a win where they can get it and this is one worth having.

Also, in the highly likely event that a player is caught driving around town on a suspended license with a blood alcohol content of 1.0, he’s always driving a scooter (without a helmet). That’s another sign of a clean program. No Escalades or BMWs for these guys. Take that, Nevin Shapiro.

Jack Del Rio will club a baby seal during half time of this weekend’s Jags Titans game.

Here’s the scenario.

Step One: Coach Jack Del Rio has long time starting quarterback, David Garrard go out to speak to Chamber of Commerce in an effort to help drum up support for a struggling franchise.

Step Two: Garrard does as he is told, even going so far as to hug the teams annoying mascot.

Step Three: Garrard returns from his assignment to find that he has been cut by Coach Del Rio.

Yes, this really happened.

[1] A runaway train that shuts down half of the country thus forcing the Packers, Bears and Vikings to forfeit 10 of their games.

[2] If that turns out not to be the final score of this weekend’s game, just know that I was really referring to the Rays and the Tigers.

[3] Southern for dad, this term is a cousin to pawpaw and momma.

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