We begin with another letter, this time to the NFL.
Dear Commissioner Goodell,
Please never allow Lady Antebellum to sing the national anthem before a game ever again. People who care about the NFL do not care about Lady Antebellum. The people who care about Lady Antebellum were too busy watching Army Wives or The Real Housewives of _______ or Not Without My Daughter to watch this game. Was Carl Lewis already booked or something?
And now to the Bold Predictions where we begin with the college games.
Auburn @ Clemson
For the first two weeks of the season, Auburn has been the luckiest team on the planet. In week one, they played my old little league team and found themselves down early by triple digits. Somehow, my old little league team figured out a way to let that one slip through their hands. Some things never change. Last week Auburn was able to stop a very game Mississippi State team in a last second goal line stand.
Clemson on the other hand has been pretty bad for a pretty good while. We know this because every game they play is on ESPN 6 at 8:15 on Tuesday mornings with some lady doing play by play. I like to go with the trends so I see Auburn winning in a close one.
Clemson 10, Auburn 10.012
Coastal Carolina @ Georgia
You know when you’re in church and someone does a special presentation that involves a mime or creative movement or interpretive dance? It always starts out with good intentions then leads into you looking at the floor biting your lip with your eyes clinched shut and it always ends in tragedy. You’re not the one dressed in all black moving glow sticks to the beat of a bad 80s song but for some reason you’re still embarrassed. That pretty much sums up the Georgia season so far. But lucky for them, it’s Coastal Carolina and their very reserved coach.
In case you've never enjoyed an experience like the one discussed earlier, here's a nice example.
Two things about this video.
1.) 0:05 - Apparently this guy is in charge of the Happy Hands Group and he's very much in love with his job.
"Okay guys, if you forget your moves, just watch me. But you shouldn't forget your moves because you're only doing two moves the whole time. Either way, just watch me."
2.) 0:45 - The mom who casually walks in front of everybody to pick up her kid.
"Hey! Hey! Grab your kid and get out of the way, lady. We've had a long, hard week of studying and now we just want to enjoy some good creative movement. Is that too much to ask?"
Georgia 27, Coastal Carolina 24
One more thing. I consider myself a Georgia fan and I plan on staying one for a long time. But, if you throw down the 40 bucks to watch this game on Pay Per View, you have allowed the terrorists to win. Save that money for when Bob Seger comes to town.
Ohio State @ Miami
Miami was good in the 80s and 90s. They reminded you of this by wearing camos when they got off the team bus and by doing a lot of cocaine. But now it’s a new millennium and things have changed in Miami. They no longer wear camos and they aren't any good.
Ohio State has had a great deal of success in recent years but it turns out that they’ve been cheating. This game is a tough one to pick but I think it’ll come down to the last minute. By the end of the game, whoever has the most players still eligible wins the game. I’m going with the Buckeyes winning by a late game stabbing.
Ohio State 38, Miami 31
Michigan State @ Notre Dame
If the college football season were a presidential race, Notre Dame would be the candidate that was just found driving around the seedy part of town with a dead body in the trunk and Taliban pamphlets in the passenger seat but still has all the news hacks wondering what color curtains they’ll go with when they move into the White House. The Irish are 0-2 and their BCS chances are still alive and kicking. Could this be said about any other team in the nation? Please Mr. Sparty, pull the plug on the Irish.
Michigan State 28, Notre Dame 10
As we move to the pros we go to another media darling that never performs well, at least when it counts.
Dallas @ San Francisco
I often wonder how different things would be if Tony Romo played for the Cleveland Browns. Maybe instead of dating some Hollywood starlet he’d have to settle for the woman that played the house mom on The Facts of Life. Would he even be in the league anymore? Isn’t there a rule somewhere that says that you must be kicked out of the league within 12 months of taking a snap for the Browns? Why am I talking about the Cleveland Browns?
Dallas 24, San Francisco 21
Philadelphia @ Atlanta
This calls for another letter.
To my fellow Atlanta Fans,
Please get your head straight on Michael Vick. He didn’t kill a bunch of people. He was mean to some dogs and served his time. Also, when he was in Atlanta, he brought a breath of fresh air and two really cool playoff wins. You should want to see him do well.
But just not this Sunday night. If you are an Atlanta fan, you’re not supposed to cheer for the other team’s quarterback unless he is your son, nephew, father or brother. I know this is hard for you my fellow Atlanta fans. You love letting Cubs fans outnumber you at Braves playoff games. I even got to sit by a legion of Knick fans through a whole first round series a few years back. You made me feel like I was watching the game in some dudes basement in Queens. But, I forgive you. Just remember, Vick is our friend. Root for him but just wait until next Sunday to do it.
I’m picking Atlanta in this one for one obvious reason. The Eagles are often referred to as The Dream Team. When a team gives itself a nickname like this before the season ever starts and Bird, Magic and Jordan are not on the roster, things go sideways quick.
Atlanta 17, Dream Team 6