Thursday, December 8, 2011

I Predict 2012

For centuries now, everyone has had predictions about 2012. Here are my fail safe, non-apocalyptic predictions for the most talked about year that has yet to happen in human history.


Unless he gets caught wearing a Penn State sweatshirt, Barak Obama will win his re-election bid.

This is not due to the fact that President Obama is doing such a splendid job. Instead, his re-election can be attributed to the fumbling bumbling GOP. It’s sort of like when I was a kid and my grandparents took me to the crusty old dollar store downtown and told me to pick out one toy. Usually there was only one toy that I really wanted but since it was in the $39.95 category and my grandparents were thinking more in the $1.99 category it was quickly ruled out which meant that I became the proud owner of a $0.75 Jackson 5 cardboard poster.

We all thought I was crazy. We all lost a part of our souls.

What the GOP taught us in 2011 was that if you want to be an adulterous jerk to your wife/wives you need to be contrite about it in public while at the same time talking about the moral collapse this country is experiencing and blaming said collapse on the current president. Also, if you could manage to marry your mistress instead of paying her off that would help to. This strategy of pretending to be moral will catapult you to the top of the polls where you’ll have a good shot of beating another GOP candidate who is pretending to be a conservative.

Meanwhile, the only candidate in the GOP that makes any sense is allegedly “unelectable.” Never mind the fact that the people of Texas have elected this “unelectable” candidate to serve as their congressman on many occasions. Judging from the candidates that we are told are electable, I’m beginning to think that being “unelectable” is a compliment.

“Your dress makes you look quite unelectable dear.”

You try that one out first and let me know how it goes.

The NFL will finally do something to stop the rash of phantom injuries we saw this season. Something has to be done to protect the players. I think Ndamukong Suh is behind this somehow.

The NBA strike has led to a to a shortened schedule that will actually serve the league well. Cutting out nearly three months of the schedule will bring some much needed efficiency to the league and the lack of a consistent off season camp will lead to some pretty bad yet entertaining basketball at the beginning. Maybe for one of the Christmas day opening games we’ll even get a nice little gift like this one.

Major League Baseball however has not been as fortunate as the NBA. Their strike that has been going on since 1999 will continue through 2012.

John Elway will form a secret coup with several members of the media led by ESPN Radio’s Colin Cowherd and make an attempt on Tim Tebow’s life.

Elway’s motivation will be the fact that Tebow throws perhaps the ugliest ball in NFL history and has still managed to gain a following that Elway didn’t enjoy until the end of his career when a man named Terrell Davis joined his team and won him a couple of Super Bowls.

Colin Cowherd will be motivated by the fact that Tim Tebow’s name is not Tony Romo.

The rest of the media will be motivated by the fact that Tim Tebow is a product of homeschooling, has no noticeable drug addictions, professes Christianity and is manly. This is far too much for many in the media to swallow. You can rest assured that if the Denver Bronco’s starting quarterback played every game in his girlfriend’s jeans, pronounced death to America after every touchdown and cursed at babies at halftime, he wouldn’t be nearly as controversial as Tebow.

But do not fear fans. Seeing as how Tim Tebow is the Chuck Norris of the NFL, this assassination attempt will be over before it ever really gets started.

Arts and Entertainment
You’ll hear a new song from Coldplay in 2012. I don’t know what it’ll be called but there will be a part in the middle where it goes, “Whoa, oh, oh oh.” It’s sure to be a hit.

Ryan Reynolds will make a movie with some girl. The plot will center on you wanting the two to be together but at the beginning of the movie, it looks like it just wasn’t meant to be. Oh, but wait! By the end of the movie, it’ll be raining and they’ll meet up at an airport where your cinematic dreams will finally come true with a nice kiss between the two that we thought might never find true love with one another.

Oh, you might say, this movie has already been made.

Exactly, my friend. Exactly.

In 2011 there was a movie named Tree of Life starring Brad Pitt, Sean Penn, some girl and a bunch of kids. A guy that works in the video library at the Discovery Channel made 75% of this movie and a Swiss art student with one name made the remaining 25%. I had no clue what was going on for the entire film. This is another way of saying that Tree of Life will win an Oscar in 2012.

I know that most of the above predictions have already been covered by the Mayans and their calendar but thanks for indulging me.

Happy New Year!

Or, if you’re the type that likes to shop at Wal-Marts and Krogers, Happy New Years!

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